Grandma is Only 7576 Miles Away

That’s approximately the distance from our home on the outskirts of Jerusalem to our son’s home in Los Angeles. We tend to think of the distance in terms of flight time- 20 hours (including a 90 minute layover in Newark). Add on another four hours, give or take, for commuting and waiting times at airports on both ends, and we’re ‘only a day away’.

We’ve been long distance grandparents for almost 5 years. Before our son moved to Los Angeles, he and his family were living across a courtyard from us- we could see into each others’ apartments, and our granddaughters came over almost every evening for dinner and play. We felt blue if a day passed and we hadn’t seen the girls.

Back then, I couldn’t imagine not having my son and his family as a part of my daily life.

Now, five years later, I can say with only a slight twinge that you can have a close, loving relationship with your grandchildren even if they are thousands of miles away.

While we may not actually see them every day, they are part of our daily lives. Our home is plastered with photos of them- one entire wall and a door are completely covered with pictures of our grandchildren- and my husband and I can always make each other smile just by mentioning one of the girls’ names.

Is it easy being so far apart? Of course not. But phone calls, web cams, IM (instant messaging) all help bridge the distance. While we don’t take advantage of it as much as we should, we can also communicate via email with our oldest grandchildren.

And when it gets really, really tough to be apart from them, there’s always that 20 hour plane trip. It’s been a godsend at least twice when my husband was in a funk, and I knew that it was because he missed the girls (I keep saying ‘the girls’ because we have one son, and he has five daughters). I booked him a flight, and as soon as I told him, his shoulders lifted and a huge smile covered his face.

There will never be a substitute that comes close to the sheer joy of waking up to a bed filled with giggling grandchildren. But knowing (and seeing) that my son and his family are happy, and have successful and fulfilling lives, fills me with a sense of happiness, gratitude, and serenity that surpasses my dreams.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m fooling myself by saying that I’m OK with them living so far away. I know my son is struggling with thoughts of returning to live in Israel, both to live in Israel itself, but also to be near to both us and to his in-laws, who live about 20 minutes from our town.

Maybe my feelings and attitude toward our long distance relationship will change over the next year or two.

For several years my life was consumed by being my Mom’s caregiver, and I could only make the trip to our son once or twice a year. During those years my husband travelled to the States every couple of months, spending the weekends of those trips at our son, and I learned to live vicariously through his visits. I was always pleasantly amazed by how much satisfaction and joy I got from sharing those visits with him- hearing via phone calls his interactions with the girls, getting pictures via email showing the things they were doing together. But now my Mom has passed away, and I’m starting to get hold of my life again. At the same time, it looks like my husband won’t be traveling to the States as often anymore. I might find myself falling into the funk that I’ve seen consume my husband….. but I’m hoping that my parental joy in my son’s life will help me overcome any difficult days. And , there’s always a plane ticket if things get really tough!

One of the reasons I started this blog was as a way to communicate and express my thoughts and feelings to my family. Phone time in a busy world can be limiting; it can be easier to find the time to read. So Uri and Aliza, I’m trying to send you a message in this post:

It’s absolutely OK that you are in LA. I don’t ever want you to feel that you have to move to be closer to us. Even from so far away you fill us with pride and love and parental and grandparental glee. Yes, we miss the girls (and you ;-)). But that makes every moment we spend with you all that more precious, every minute of every phone call that much more meaningful. The best thing you can do for us is to do the best for your family, no matter where that leads you or brings you to live.

I’m pretty sure I’ll have more to write about being a long distance grandparent. This post has been simmering inside me since I started this blog, and I know I haven’t gotten down all that I wanted to say. In the meantime, I got this out as I’m waiting for the phone call that sends me on my way to meet a new baby, and it’s given me an excuse (as if I needed one!) to post some pics of the girls :-)

As to the ‘only a day away’ reference, it really does help!:

Do Blogging and Marriage Mix (Well)?

When I told my husband, Stu (that's him on the left), that I was thinking of starting a blog, he seemed surprisingly neutral about the idea. Surprisingly because he's always enthusiastically supported pretty much all my ideas.

A few hours later, he came to me with a serious look on his face. "Can I ask you something? Why do you need to write a blog? Do you feel you can't share your thoughts with me? Is there a reason you need to post your thoughts publicly? Aren't my input and opinions good enough for you?"

"Wow," I thought, "where did that come from?"

A gamut of emotions swept over me: shock, anger, rage, disbelief, a feeling of being suppressed, frustration.... but, I took a deep breath, and tried to understand if he was feeling intimidated or estranged, and if so, why.

A possibly important aside

[The company my husband worked for shut down unexpectedly this spring, so he's been home for the past several months. I'm hoping that our getting along while he's been around portends well for our (very) future retirement years- we've been spending almost all day, every day together, and still enjoy each other's company. (Mmmm... then again, I spent all of May traveling around the States... and he recently spent a few weeks at our son's... maybe that's how we've managed?!)]

I took a moment to reflect on our marriage (after 35 years together, you can do that in a flash), and realized how much we've always valued each other's opinion and sought it out. Now, suddenly, I wanted to present my thoughts publicly before turning to him.

I explained to him that I saw this blog as a way for me to organize my thoughts, and also as a means to discipline myself to daily or weekly writing, with the goal of exploring career options in writing. I was writing this blog for me. I wanted to make it public because I felt that would push me to write, as if I was accountable to posting regularly. It would be very nice if I got some comments on what I wrote, but that wasn't why I would be writing.

He still seemed uncomfortable with the idea, so I suggested that I might approach him before each posting, to discuss what I wanted to write about- not to clear it with him, and not necessarily to give him a heads up, but to bounce around some ideas, get his input, and of course, his opinion.

Uh, oh.

The feeling of suppression came back. Did I just suggest that my writing be censored? That I not be able to express my deepest concerns? That seemed to be the sticking point- he didn't understand why I had to post publicly. I'm a reflection of him, he said.

Talk about feeling censored! Talk about repression!

What was going on?

Being the strong-willed woman I am, and being the wonderful husband he is, we ....well, I'm not sure what we've done...

I'm blogging. He'll receive an email with each entry as I post it. I'm not publishing my last name, and I might consider a bit of self-censorship, in our son's interest (our son is a pulpit rabbi).

When you've got lemons.....

This may actually turn out to be a great thing for our marriage- it may open up yet another avenue of communication. Maybe seeing my thoughts in print will bring a new dimension to our relationship.

He joked tonight about starting his own blog, 'in competition' to mine. Well, OK- I don't see the need for a competition, but what the hell. Heck, maybe we'll have 3 blogs- his, mine, and ours.

So, honey, if you're reading this (and I know you are) - why don't you set up your laptop on the other side of the table, and let's see how my ten-finger typing skills match up to yours.

Note to our son:

We're doing fine. Madly in love. Walking around town holding hands. And laughing.


See you soon.